if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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