my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
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