I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize