so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
