Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Randomize
