he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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