I just made out with a guy for $7.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
