I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
