I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
