i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
