I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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