separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
