ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
