omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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