I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
