So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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