Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Boobs speak an international language.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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