No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
