you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
this hospital has no fireball
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
