Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Quick, to the slutcave!
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
