The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
