I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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