Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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