i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
