i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
