Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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