She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
