When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
