i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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