he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
