Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
