just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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