I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
