Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
