im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
A+ Viking dick
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