can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
