i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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