i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
