my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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