Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
