I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
