At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
