i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
