This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
