she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
