one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
