I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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