I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
What drink are we having for lunch?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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