Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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