My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
