if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
