Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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