I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
