My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
