So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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