i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
