they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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