I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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