Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize