So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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