I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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