Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
